that story i wrote
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that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 8:33 am
ok here it is again
- Spoiler:
- I turned around, he was standing right behind me. I'd lost focus for a second and hadn't heard him approach, I told myself. The view here is pretty and it's easy to lose yourself in the clouds, especially in the evening like this.
He probably could tell he startled me because he cut off what he was saying mid-sentence and stepped back a bit. I still need to work on my composure. Anyway, he was talking, saying something about our schedule and how we couldn't stare at sunsets all day. I nodded and agreed, I still hadn't focused completely and the hall was lit so beautifully. The sun came through the stained glass windows just right, and lit columns of quartz with a specific theme of colors depending on the season. It was what was considered “summer” there so the colors were deep orange and red like the sunset.
He'd stopped talking by now and was walking away. That was the signal for me to follow, and I did, while brushing a hair out of my eye and thinking about how much my mind was wandering and how self-defeating this line of thought was. So I focused myself by going over the day's agenda again in my head. We'd just met with the Head of Affairs here and were headed now to the next place, a station opening a ways off on the other side, a new university. Students from all over would live there for a period of years while studying nearly anything- of course its astronomy laboratories and research facilities were said to be quite extensive, after all it is a station. After that a checkup on the affairs of the council, review of current events and the traditional ceremony of decompressing a relay transfer from Terra and surrounding Sol. I'm still not quite sure what Grandmother was thinking when she made up a ceremony for opening a communications package, but at least she had done a fine job speeding the process up to make it worthwhile. Knowing her it was probably instated to remind us of our distance from our ancestral stomping grounds and the miracles that must happen every moment for that package to arrive here without taking a few hundred years both ways. It's the sort of reason she would use to justify it.
I stepped onto the landing pad as the shuttle primed its engines, sending a blast of hot air at my ankles. I closed my eyes for a second so they didn't dry out from the heat, out of habit. As always I was able to make my way over to the hatch on the shuttle with my eyes shut without running into the oscillating engines on the rear of the craft or otherwise. This is my personal shuttle, I ought to know where the hatch is. But apparently I didn't because my nose suddenly bounced off the hatch frame and I realized how silly it probably looked to be walking all the way to the hatch with my eyes closed when I only needed them shut when I passed the engines. I rubbed my nose, a bit taken aback, and stepped inside to him waiting for me.
Nobody was at the controls. This was normal, Jeffery (no, not the name of my friend who snapped me out of the daze back in the hall, he had gone to read something in the mini-lounge) took care of everything. He even got me my drink every time I stepped on board and refilled it from the time before and kept it cold if I didn't finish it. This time I told him I'd drink it later and that I wanted to think for now, the drink is a mental stimulant and would make me want to call someone and talk about farming or mining or something. Right now I just wanted to sit in my cabin and play with Tiktik.
Tiktik was cheery as ever, very cuddly today too. I giggled as he tried climbing my leg again and fell over, his little legs squirming around in the air. I picked him up and held him at arm's length so his antennae could sweep over my face and hair to recognize me, and when they got to my hair swish Tiktik cooed and squirmed around, and oh it was just so adorable I hugged him straight away. I set him rightside-up so he could climb around my shoulders and whatnot while I got him his calcium supplements and a bit of augite that he always liked with his meal for some reason. I took note that we probably needed to stop by the mines when we got back home (we were running low again) and gave Tiktik his meal. He dropped off my shoulders and quickly crawled under the couch, where he could eat in peace, as his kind always preferred.
I sat down in one of the chairs and looked out the window. We were up above the clouds by now and we probably had about ten minutes before we made it back to the ship and I would have to go talk to people. I looked to my lap and ran my hands from where they rested in the middle to my knees, then stretched them out to my sides and behind my head. They were pretty stiff. And my scarf was too tight, so I adjusted it. My belt was lopsided so I fixed that too. Then I stopped moving entirely and listened to the silence. After a moment I could hear my own heart beating, thunk thunk, thunk thunk, somewhere in my chest. Then a small hiss as the temperature adjusted somewhere in this suit. I suddenly remembered I had written something on my wrist in ink earlier, but had forgotten what. I uncuffed my sleeve and pulled it back, to the words THINK BIG written on there. I had no idea why I had wrote it. One of those early-morning musings no doubt.
I saw the ship out the window and remembered my drink, and called for Jeffery.
Last edited by spinnythings on Fri Oct 25, 2013 9:27 pm; edited 3 times in total
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 2:29 pm
criticism alert, beware of hurt feelings:
it reads like shitty poetry. it isn't in natural english, which is a mortal sin for narratives
good story otherwise
it reads like shitty poetry. it isn't in natural english, which is a mortal sin for narratives
good story otherwise
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 3:54 pm
its supposed to be really indirect characterizationcreamammy wrote:criticism alert, beware of hurt feelings:
it reads like shitty poetry. it isn't in natural english, which is a mortal sin for narratives
good story otherwise
and I like writing like that I was trying to portray her as being spaced out and trying to give her a voice
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 3:58 pm
the thing is i'm a third party, so i don't know this until it's specified (directly or implied, doesn't matter)spinnythings wrote:its supposed to be really indirect characterizationcreamammy wrote:criticism alert, beware of hurt feelings:
it reads like shitty poetry. it isn't in natural english, which is a mortal sin for narratives
good story otherwise
and I like writing like that I was trying to portray her as being spaced out and trying to give her a voice
YOU understand it because you wrote it, you should understand the entire story, but those things need to be rubbed off onto the readers like me and everyone else who don't know until we're told
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:00 pm
one question I have for youcreamammy wrote:the thing is i'm a third party, so i don't know this until it's specified (directly or implied, doesn't matter)spinnythings wrote:its supposed to be really indirect characterizationcreamammy wrote:criticism alert, beware of hurt feelings:
it reads like shitty poetry. it isn't in natural english, which is a mortal sin for narratives
good story otherwise
and I like writing like that I was trying to portray her as being spaced out and trying to give her a voice
YOU understand it because you wrote it, you should understand the entire story, but those things need to be rubbed off onto the readers like me and everyone else who don't know until we're told
could you tell the gender when reading it? dunno if I got that across
and I should've titled it so you would understand
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:01 pm
i assumed it was about your character, so i knew automatically it was a girlspinnythings wrote:one question I have for youcreamammy wrote:the thing is i'm a third party, so i don't know this until it's specified (directly or implied, doesn't matter)spinnythings wrote:its supposed to be really indirect characterization
and I like writing like that I was trying to portray her as being spaced out and trying to give her a voice
YOU understand it because you wrote it, you should understand the entire story, but those things need to be rubbed off onto the readers like me and everyone else who don't know until we're told
could you tell the gender when reading it? dunno if I got that across
and I should've titled it so you would understand
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:05 pm
what if you didn't thoughcreamammy wrote:i assumed it was about your character, so i knew automatically it was a girlspinnythings wrote:one question I have for youcreamammy wrote:the thing is i'm a third party, so i don't know this until it's specified (directly or implied, doesn't matter)
YOU understand it because you wrote it, you should understand the entire story, but those things need to be rubbed off onto the readers like me and everyone else who don't know until we're told
could you tell the gender when reading it? dunno if I got that across
and I should've titled it so you would understand
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:17 pm
specifying that the narrator is a woman in a story can be a bit tricky if you don't want to go straight up, "I'M A GIRL". it would be easier if we were a less progressive society, where there are stereotypes on how what gender thinks something, but we don't so using just thinking can only get you, at the most, "they're kinda girlish"
it's not impossible, though
e.g the girl is talking to a sort of antagonist in the story, the person you want your audience to automatically dislike;
"I was staring down at the ground, refusing to look at his face, but I could feel his eyes on my chest"
boom, whole audience automatically picks up that the narrator is a girl and the person talking to her is a bit of a dick
if you want to get better at characterization, read lots of short stories. alice munro is the master of the trade. short stories are all about full detail in a short amount of words
it's not impossible, though
e.g the girl is talking to a sort of antagonist in the story, the person you want your audience to automatically dislike;
"I was staring down at the ground, refusing to look at his face, but I could feel his eyes on my chest"
boom, whole audience automatically picks up that the narrator is a girl and the person talking to her is a bit of a dick
if you want to get better at characterization, read lots of short stories. alice munro is the master of the trade. short stories are all about full detail in a short amount of words
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:28 pm
oh nooo I'd prefer to keep her train of thought ambiguous
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:33 pm
if you want ambiguity then don't expect the readers to understand a god damn thingspinnythings wrote:oh nooo I'd prefer to keep her train of thought ambiguous
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:33 pm
the thing is if you lead readers on without letting them know what's what for too long they'll inevitably lose interest and give up trying to read it all
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:38 pm
aaaa
well when she picks up her pet she has a girl moment...!
well when she picks up her pet she has a girl moment...!
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:40 pm
women are people and people think like people
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:40 pm
"but we don't so using just thinking can only get you, at the most, "they're kinda girlish""spinnythings wrote:aaaa
well when she picks up her pet she has a girl moment...!
i didn't even get that far because of the whole "ambiguity makes the reader lose interest" bit
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:41 pm
she's not thinking like a person thoughspinnythings wrote:women are people and people think like people
as i said, it's not written in natural english
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:42 pm
WTF you stopped reading halfway through???? fuck you finish the story asshole wtf
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:43 pm
the assignment was to write a monologue not write a narrative
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:44 pm
"WTF you stopped reading halfway through???? fuck you finish the story asshole wtf" -william shakespearespinnythings wrote:WTF you stopped reading halfway through???? fuck you finish the story asshole wtf
your writing says a lot and tells very little and it's boring as fuck for me, deal with it nerd
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:45 pm
i'm a horror/suspense kinda guy so this is also way out of my genre
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Re: that story i wrote
by Guest Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:45 pm
ammy if you couldn't finish that story you'd never be able to sit through a Godard film cuz you'd be too busy complaining the audio was broken in "A Woman is a Woman"
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Re: that story i wrote
by gay Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:46 pm
the parts that DO tell a lot have it all crammed together in a beefy paragraph or even in a couple sentences, leading to a phenomenon called "information overload" where your brain just starts to tune it all out
to be fair if this is for school it's likely going to be leaps and bounds beyond your classmates' work
to be fair if this is for school it's likely going to be leaps and bounds beyond your classmates' work
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