fds experience being oppressed by apple leaked

by **admin** Sun Feb 23, 2014 2:05 pm

I decided to go to the crApple store and laugh at their wares. I asked an iTard (sales rep) to show me all the iOs phones currently for sale. He said "we have the iphone 5... and the iphone 5".
Me: Ok, I will take the Nexus 4.
iTard: Sir, what part of 'we have the iphone 5' did you not understand?
Me: Alright, then I'll take an iphone. Do you sell micro SD cards here?
iTard: Are you going to use it as a guitar pick? Because you sure as hell aren't putting it into an iphone.
Me: Yikes, that's a shame! Ok, well at least sell me a replacement battery.
iTard: You don't "replace" an iphone battery. You mail the phone into Apple, and after about two weeks they send it back to you with a new (or refurbished) battery.
Me: (laughing) Holy Christ that's pathetic! Ok, so now that I am going to be an iphone owner, can you give me some tips about how to customize the home screen?
iTard: By "customize the home screen", I'm assuming you mean "change the wallpaper", because there is no other "customization" on an iphone.
At this point I noticed he had been writing on a little piece of scratch paper. He carefully slid it across the counter, looking around nervously, and whispered for me to read the note and not act strange. I read the note and it said "Please help me. They will hurt my family if I try to escape the eco-system. Be careful, they are watching you too."
I knew I had to do something. I went over to the Genius BarTM and asked one of the guys to help me. I pulled out my Nexus 4 and asked him how I can use Google Wallet to make a purchase in the Apple store.
iDiot: I will need to confiscate that phone. It doesn't even have LTE, for Jobs' sake. Give it to me so I can properly dispose of it.
Me: Oh hell no, you will NOT...
He then pushed a button on his iWatch and spoke into it:
iDiot: Jony! Tim! Sic 'em!
After he yelled out, two sleek minimalistic wall panels raised up, and two Rottweilers (named Jony and Tim) emerged charging at me. Jony grabbed my balls with his teeth, and Tim snatched my Nexus 4 and chewed it up, then thrashed it agaisnt the floor until it lay in pieces. Panicking, I reached for my backup Nexus 4 strapped to my leg. I shoved it up my ass, where it made contact with an NFC tag I had embedded in my rectum for emergency purposes. The phone automatically went into vibrate mode, dialed 911 and played a prerecorded message I'd made, and texted my GPS coordinates.
Moments later, a HOLO SWAT team showed up and dispatched all the crApple employees with Galaxy S4 IR Blasters. The one iTard who had asked me for help earlier was now laying half dead on the ground, the only crApple employee in the room that wasn't instantly killed. He asked if I would take him to the hospital, he was injured but not too badly, it looked like he would survive with just a little bit of emergency medical help. I grabbed an iPad Mini off the shelf and typed the hashtag "#NEXUS4CURESCANCER" into a text editor. I held the screen up to his face...
Me: If you can read this text, I will save your life.
iTard: I... I... I can't read the words because the screen resolution is too low! Goddamnit why didn't they make the iPad Mini with retina display!!!
Maybe I should have saved him, but then justice would not have been served. I stuck my Galaxy Note 2 into a pocket of his skinny jeans, then stepped back. The jeans were already skin tight, but the monstrous Note 2 cause the pants to be even tigher. His testicles crushed from the pressure, and he bled out about ten minutes later. As I emerged from the crApple store, the crowd was cheering. I bought key lime pie for everyone and we all laughed and ate and had a good time.