amsk8r's guide to making a computer

by **alyaza** Tue Jul 29, 2014 9:34 am

CHAPTER 1: IDENTIFYING WHAT KIND OF COMPUTER YOU WANT

THERE ARE THREE TYPES OF COMPUTERS OUT THERE: ONES THAT CAN'T DO SHIT, ONES THAT CAN DO SHIT AND ONES THAT CAN DO A LOT OF SHIT. IF YOU WANT A COMPUTER THAT CAN'T DO SHIT, GET A SMALL NOTEBOOK PC AND FUCK OFF. IF YOU WANT A COMPUTER THAT CAN DO A LOT OF SHIT, WAIT A WHILE BECAUSE I'LL ADD A GUIDE SECTION FOR THAT LATER ON. RIGHT NOW WE'RE FOCUSING ON 'COMPUTERS THAT CAN DO SHIT'.

FIGURING OUT WHAT COMPUTER YOU HAVE IS RELATIVELY SIMPLE:

IF YOUR COMPUTER CAN BARELY RUN MINECRAFT, SHITSUX. IF IT CAN RUN IT ON MODERATE SETTINGS, IT'S GOOD. IF YOUR COMPUTER CAN RUN ON FULL SETTINGS SMOOTH 60FPS WITH SHADER MODS AND THE LIKES AND FULL VIEW RENDERING, TOO MUCH.

IF YOUR COMPUTER IS IN THE CAN'T DO SHIT CATEGORY, THEN YOU MAY WANT TO UPGRADE.

CHAPTER 2: HOW TO MAKE YOUR COMPUTER DO SHIT

RIGHT OFF THE BAT THIS IS WHERE BITCHES QUIT. YOU'LL WANT TO START FRESH AND GET A WHOLE NEW COMPUTER, OR AT LEAST GET A NEW OPERATING SYSTEM. YOUR OS WILL BE COVERED IN CHAPTER 3.

OKAY MOTHERFUCKER TIME TO GET A NEW COMPUTER. FIRST OF ALL, A COMPUTER THAT CAN DO SHIT IS ESSENTIALLY A INTERNET PC THAT ISN'T AT THE ABSOLUTE MERCY OF HOW A WEBPAGE IS ENCODED. IT CAN LOAD AND SCROLL THROUGH ANY SITE WITHOUT FEAR OF TOO MUCH LAG, USE FIREFOX EFFICIENTLY, AND RUN VIDEO GAMES RANGING FROM TOUHOU TO HALF LIFE 2 ON MID-MAX SETTINGS. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? LAPTOPS ARE APPLICABLE. IF YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW YOU WILL NEED TO LUG YOUR COMPUTER AROUND IN THE FUTURE, A LAPTOP IS A VIABLE OPTION (UNLIKE COMPUTER THAT CAN DO TOO MUCH). IF YOU WANT A TOWER; BUILD IT. PUTTING TOGETHER A PC IS EASIER THAN YOU THINK AND WITH SOME THRIFTINESS YOU CAN THROW TOGETHER A RESPECTABLE MACHINE GOING AT JUST 250 FUCKING DOLLARS! SO, HOW DO YOU GET THE PIECES? ORDER THEM ONLINE. THE ASSHOLES AT STAPLES, WAL-MART AND YOUR LOCAL TECH STORE DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT FUCK AND WOULD STAB YOU WITH A BOXCUTTER TO GET 50 MORE CENTS ON THEIR PAYCHECK, NEVER BUY FROM DEPARTMENT STORES. I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE DETAILED GUIDES ON HOW TO GET THE RIGHT PIECES, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT BUILD YOU'LL WANT WITH SOME BASIC GOOGLE SEARCHING.

CHAPTER 3: CHOOSING YOUR OPERATING SYSTEM

I'LL SIMPLIFY THIS ONE TO BULLET FORM

WINDOWS

WINDOWS IS A CORPORATE OS THAT IS GREAT FOR VIDJAGAYMEN. DO NOT PIRATE YOUR OS UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR COMPUTER TO BE USED ON A BOTNET FOR THE LUXEMBOURGISH MAFIA TO SPAM PEOPLE'S EMAILS WITH DICK PILL ADVERTISEMENTS. SPENDING 300 DOLLARS ON AN OS IS PRETTY WORTH IT ONCE YOU REALIZE THAT THE PEOPLE WHO CRACKED PROBABLY HAVE YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER AND WILL PUT YOU 300,000 DOLLARS IN DEBT, FAGGOT.

XP: 10 YEARS LATER, XP IS STILL A FUCKING SEXY OPERATING SYSTEM. THE CHAMPION OF THE 'CAN DO SHIT' PC, RUNS LOTS OF MODERN SOFTWARE FLAWLESSLY AND IS LOVED AROUND THE WORLD. ITS ONLY DOWNFALL IS IT HAS A MAXIMUM OF 2GB RAM ALLOCATION AND IT FEELS PRETTY ROUGH IF YOU DON'T GET IT TO WORK PROPERLY. BUT IF YOU CAN TAME THE BEAST, XP IS GLORIOUS

VISTA: I KNOW I KNOW VISTA WAS SHIT BUT IT'S ACTUALLY A SEMI-DECENT OS IF YOU CAN GET IT TO WORK PROPERLY. INFERIOR TO XP AND 7 BUT IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF CHANGE VISTA WILL STILL DO

7: THE IDEAL OPERATING SYSTEM FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT COMPUTERS WHO DO TOO MUCH SHIT. BLOATY AND RICEY. IF YOU'RE GOING TO GO WITH 7, DISABLE AERO GLASS AND USE AERO BASIC OR EVEN WINDOWS CLASSIC.

8: WINDOWS 8 IS SURPRISINGLY NOT BAD COMPARED TO ALL THE SHIT IT GETS FROM PEOPLE. I USED THE CONSUMER PREVIEW FOR A GOOD 6 OR 7 MONTHS AND IT WAS PRETTY MUCH A LESS BLOATED WINDOWS 7 WITH A NEAR-OPTIONAL METRO LAYOUT. IF YOU WANT TO USE WINDOWS 7 BUT HAVE A SHITTY COMPUTER, WINDOWS 8 IS A GOOD PICK.

MAC OS
amsk8r's guide to making a computer D0qug

amsk8r's guide to making a computer D0qug

ACTUALLY, OS X IS THE WORST OF THE THREE BUT IT NEARLY ISN'T AS BAD AS SOME DISGRUNTLED WINDOWS AND GNU LINUX USERS MAKE IT OUT TO BE. IT USES A BARELY MODIFIED VERSION OF UNIX AND CAN DO MOST WEB RELATED THINGS DECENTLY. IT'S APPARENTLY ILLEGAL TO RUN OS X ON A PC, GOOGLE IT. 'HACKINTOSHES' RUN LIKE ASS ANYWAYS. DON'T GET MAC OS X IF YOU HAVE A PC.

GNU LINUX

IN SIMPLE TERMS, GNU/LINUX (HEREON REFERRED TO AS 'LINUX') IS A FUCKING MONSTER. IN ORDER TO USE IT PROPERLY YOU MUST BE PREPARED TO LEARN AT LEAST VERY BASIC SCRIPTING AND KNOW HOW TO CARRY OUT TASKS LIKE MANUALLY INSTALLING THINGS. BUT, IF YOU CAN MANAGE TO WRANGLE IT DOWN AND GET ON ITS BACK, IT'S THE MOST EFFECTIVE OF ALL THREE SYSTEMS AND CAN DO WHATEVER YOU DAMNED WANT IT TO DO. FREE AS IN FREEDOM.

DEBIAN: THE 'BASIC' LINUX DISTRO. YOU LEARN A LOT FROM IT SINCE IT DOESN'T COMPILE YOUR FUCKING DRIVERS AND YOU'RE LEFT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR OWN SURVIVAL. RUNS ALMOST ENTIRELY ON FREE SOFTWARE BUT NOT FSF APPROVED BECAUSE IT DOESN'T BLOCK OUT YOUR SHITTY PROPRIETARY DRIVERS.

UBUNTU: 'LINUX FOR RETARDS'. MORE USER FRIENDLY THAN WINDOWS. ACTUALLY QUITE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION SINCE IT CAN DO EVERYTHING THAT DISTROS LIKE DEBIAN CAN DO BUT WITHOUT COMPLICATING SHIT. CAN BE POWERFUL IF YOU ALLOW IT TO BE.

LINUX MINT: UBUNTU'S KID BROTHER. NOT AS USER FRIENDLY BUT DEFINITELY GETTING THERE. LM IS GOOD IF YOU WANT TO LEARN THE ABSOLUTE BASICS OF HOW TO USE LINUX.

VINE: (NOT TO BE MISTAKEN WITH WINE) A DISTRO FOR PEOPLE FROM GLORIOUS NIPPON. RUNS UNTRANSLATED JAP GAMES LIKE SEX.

GENTOO: FAMOUS FOR ITS FUCKING RIDICULOUS INSTALL PROCESS. "# cfdisk /dev/hda && mkfs.xfs /dev/hda1 && mount /dev/hda1 /mnt/gentoo/ && chroot /mnt/gentoo/ && env-update && . /etc/profile && emerge sync && cd /usr/portage && scripts/bootsrap.sh && emerge system && emerge vim && vi /etc/fstab && emerge gentoo-dev-sources && cd /usr/src/linux && make menuconfig && make install modules_install && emerge gnome mozilla-firefox openoffice && emerge grub && cp /boot/grub/grub.conf.sample /boot/grub/grub.conf && vi /boot/grub/grub.conf && grub && init 6". IF YOU CAN ACTUALLY DECIPHER THIS FUCKING GARBLED BLOB OF CODING (THAT'S THE FIRST LINE YOU NEED TO WRITE TO INSTALL GENTOO) THEN IT MAY BE THE OPERATING SYSTEM FOR YOU! GENTOO IS A GENUINELY GOOD OS SINCE IT BUILDS ITS SELF TO MEET YOUR COMPUTER'S SPECIFIC NEEDS.

ARCH LINUX: TRYHARD SHIT. DON'T BOTHER.

SLACKWARE: ARCH LINUX BUT AT LEAST SOMEWHAT RESPECTABLE TO USE. TAKE IT AS 'GENTOO LITE'.

COMMODORE OS: A RELATIVELY NEW DISTRO, IT'S THE BASTARD CHILD OF UBUNTU AND LINUX MINT. HAS GROSS AMOUNTS OF SOFTWARE RIGHT FROM INSTALLING AND YOU GET EVEN MORE FROM ITS 3 GIGABYTE INSTALL DISC. ONE OF THE BEST OS'S TO HAVE IF YOU DON'T HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION SINCE IT COMES LOADED WITH OVER 6 GIGABYTES OF VIDJAGAYMES AND THAT DOESN'T EVEN INCLUDE THE WEALTH OF COMMODORE 64 ROMS

CHAPTER 4: PERIPHERALS AND OTHER ACCESSORIES

OKAY SO YOU'VE BUILT YOUR COMPUTER/GOTTEN YOUR LAPTOP AND HAVE SELECTED YOUR OS, NOW WHAT? NOW IT'S TIME TO GET A REAL MOUSE, KEYBOARD ETC. THE ONE SINGLE RULE TO COMPUTER PERIPHERALS IS NEVER BUY RAZER PRODUCTS.

MICE

MICE ARE KEY TO ENJOYING YOUR COMPUTER. GET ONE YOU LIKE AND IT'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND (I GOT EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED TO MY MICROSOFT OPTICAL 3000 MOUSE, I CRIED GENUINE BITCH TEARS WHEN IT FINALLY QUIT ON ME), GET ONE YOU HATE AND YOU'LL BE PISSED OFF 24/7. SO, HOW DO YOU GO ABOUT GETTING A MOUSE YOU LIKE? HERE'S SOME TIPS:

#1: GET A FUCKING WIRED MOUSE. WIRELESS MICE HAVE LATENCY AND HAVING TO CONSTANTLY APPLY BATTERIES IS OBNOXIOUS AND TIME CONSUMING. WIRELESS MICE ARE ALSO UNSTABLE WITH MOVEMENT. JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THEM.
#2: AGE OF THE MOUSE IS IRRELEVANT AS LONG AS IT WORKS. ALL YOU NEED IS 3 BUTTONS AND OPTICAL INPUT FOR IT TO WORK. CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, THE OLD 1980S MICE THAT USE A BALL AS A SENSOR ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD BUT THEY'RE UNRELIABLE SO YOU SHOULDN'T USE THEM FOR VIDJAGAYMEN OR SOME SHIT
#3: MAKE SURE YOU GET A MOUSE THAT FITS YOUR FUCKING HAND TYPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH IF YOU GET A MOUSE THAT'S TOO BIG OR TOO SMALL YOU'LL GET CRAMPS AND BE UNCOMFORTABLE. DO NOT GET THOSE DUMB FUCKING MICE THEY SELL AT STAPLES THAT ARE THE APPROXIMATE SIZE OF A ROCK YOU'D FIND ON YOUR DRIVEWAY.
#4: IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET AN OPTIC MOUSE, GET ONE THAT HAS A THING ON THE TOP PART WHERE YOUR HAND RESTS FOR THE LIGHT TO SHINE OUT. TRUST ME, WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING VIDJAGAYMES IN PITCH DARKNESS YOU'LL THANK ME FOR THIS ONE.

BASED ON EXPERIENCE, THE MOST UNIVERSALLY GOOD MICE ARE: THE CLASSIC MICROSOFT INTELLIMOUSE, THE MICROSOFT OPTICAL 3000 COMFORT (RIP IN PEACE OLD PAL ;_ AND IF YOU'RE INTO VIDJAGAYMEN, STEELSERIES SENSEI.

KEYBOARDS

KEYBOARDS ARE IMPORTANT, TOO. GET THE RIGHT ONE AND YOU'LL WRITE ESSAYS AT THE SPEED OF SOUND AND WRECK SHIT IN VIDJAGAYMESZ, GET THE WRONG ONE AND YOU'RE MCFUCKED.

YOUR BEST BET FOR A KEYBOARD IS GETTING A STANDARD CLICKY MECHANICAL IBM MODEL M OR SOME SORT. LOGITECH'S LIGHTED KEYBOARD IS PROVEN QUALITY AND MOST LAPTOP KEYBOARDS ARE BEARABLE. AVOID THE 500 DOLLAR KEYBOARDS WITH WORTHLESS BULLSHIT LIKE SERVER STATS AND ALL THAT. DVORAK KEYBOARDS ARE VIABLE IF YOU DON'T PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES. PICKING THE RIGHT KEYBOARD SHOULDN'T BE HARD.

MISC STUFF

MOUSEPADS: MAKE SURE YOU GET A SIZABLE MOUSEPAD WITH MORE WIDTH THAN HEIGHT. MORE THAN A FEW TIMES HAVE I ENCOUNTERED MOUSEPAD WITH WEIRD FUCKING GIMMICKS RANGING FROM BEING HIGHER THAN WIDE AND EVEN CIRCULAR. JUST GET REGULAR RECTANGULAR. IF YOU WANT A CUSTOM MOUSEPAD THAT'S PROVEN QUALITY, ARTSCOW HAS YOU COVERED. MOUSEPADS WITH WRIST RESTS ARE PRETTY NICE BUT YOU DON'T NEED THEM

ADDITIONAL STORAGE: IF YOU HAVE LODSOFEMONE, GET A PORTABLE HARD DRIVE. THEY'RE BALLA AS FUCK AND CAN LET YOU GO FROM CARRYING GIGABYTES OF DATA AROUND WITH YOU TO HAVING ENTIRE COMPUTER SYSTEMS STORED NEATLY INSIDE. TREAT IT WITH CARE, THOUGH! 500GB IS MINIMAL, 1TB IS COMFORTABLE, 2TB IS EXCESSIVE. FLASH DRIVES ARE COOL TOO AND ALWAYS LOOK AROUND FOR THE BEST DEALS, I GOT A 16GB FLASH FOR ONLY 10 DOLLARS THE OTHER DAY. DVDS AND CDS ARE PRETTY COOL, MAKE SURE TO BUY IN BUNDLES (YOU CAN GET PACKS OF 75 @ 4GB APIECE FOR 9 DOLLARS AT STAPLES). SD CARDS ARE ALSO A GOOD METHOD OF STORAGE BUT SHOULDN'T BE RELIED ON.

HEADPHONES: RELATIVELY SIMPLE TO FIND A GOOD PEAR. DON'T BUY SKULLCANDY UNLESS YOU'RE A HUGE FAGGOT. DON'T USE 'EARBUDS', USE THE BIG MANLY CUSHIE HEADPHONES. VIBRATING HEADPHONES ARE PRETTY RAD BUT THEY REQUIRE A POWER SOURCE TO VIBRATE.

CHAIRS: GET SPINNY OFFICE CHAIRS. EITHER GET WOODEN OR CUSHIE, CUSHIE IF YOU'RE A CASUAL. WOODEN CHAIRS SATISFYINGLY START TO BREAK DOWN OVER TIME.

COMPANIONS: NO DESK IS COMPLETE WITHOUT A POSSE. THERE'S NO IDEAL HOMIE, IT CAN BE A FUMO, A FURBY OR A HANGING PICTURE OF NONSPECIFIC ACTION FIGURE (I HAVE ALL THREE). LOOK THROUGH YOUR SOUL AND YOUR WALLET AND GET A FUCKING DESKTOP COMPANION.

CHAPTER 5: SOFTWARE

ALRIGHT NIGGA. YOU HAVE YOUR COMPUTER SET, FUNCTIONAL AND READY TO GO. BUT NOW YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOME SOFTWARE! I'LL COVER WINDOWS PROGRAMS IN THIS STEP, I MAY ADD IN A SECTION FOR GNU/LINUX.

FIRST OF ALL: DRIVERS. IF YOU'RE ON WINDOWS, THEY'LL LIKELY BE COVERED PRETTY WELL BUT THERE'S AN UNLIKELY CASE THAT YOUR DRIVERS MAY NOT BE COMPILED BECAUSE YOU FORMATTED SOME FOLDER YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO. DOESN'T MATTER, JUST BE SURE TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF HARDWARE YOU HAVE AND GET THE DRIVERS BEFORE CHANGING YOUR OS, PUT THEM ON A FLASH DRIVE OR SOMETHING AND YOU'RE READY TO ROCK. THE ONLY DRIVERS YOU'LL REALLY NEED ARE GRAFX AND INTERNET.

OKAY COOL, NOW TIME TO INSTALL SHIT, SO BUST OPEN INTERNET EXPLORER AND GET A BETTER BROWSER! YOU HAVE A LOT OF CHOICES:

FIREFOX - SEXY, OPEN BROWSER.
NIGHTLY - FIREFOX: BLEEDING EDGE EDITION. RIDICULOUSLY FAST AND PACKED WITH UPDATES AS THEY HAPPEN.
GERGLE CHROM - SPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
CHROMIUM - CHROME'S BASE SOFTWARE
OPERA - FIREFOX'S BITCH COUSIN
SAFARI - LOL

"ALRIGHT, NOW WHAT SHOULD I GET?"

ANTIVIRUS: OF COURSE. A GOOD ANTIV IS AVIRA, AVAST ALSO DOES THE JOB. DO NOT USE AVG.

GRAPHIC EDITING SOFTWARE: SHIT LIKE PAINT.NET AND GIMP. USE PDN IF YOU'RE A MASSIVE SCRUB, GIMP IF YOU'RE A COOL GUY, ANY VERSION OF PHOTOSHOP IF YOU'RE RETARDED

BITTORRENT CLIENT: UTORRENT IS OPERATED BY THE GOVERNMENT AND TRACKS EVERYTHING YOU DO, DO NOT USE IT. DELUGE RESPECTS YOUR FREEDOMS AND SHIT, USE THAT.

VYDJIAGAYMEZNNZ CLIENT: GET STEAM IF YOU HATE YOUR OWN FREEDOMS. TRY TO GET PHYSICAL COPIES OR STEAMLESS CRACKS IF YOU CAN BUT STEAM IS STILL AN OKAY OPTION IF YOU'RE A GIANT FAGGOT. NOT LIKE THERE'S ANYTHING BETTER OUT THERE ANYWAYS.

RICER APPLICATIONS: WINDOWSBLINDS AND RAINMETER DO THE JOB PRETTY WELL. WB LETS YOU CHANGE YOUR UI AND RAINMETER ADDS POINTLESS SHIT TO YOUR DESKTOP

EMULATORS: VISUALBOYADVANCE FOR GB(A)(C), DOLPHIN FOR GCN, NESTOPIA FOR NES. ALL YOU'LL EVER NEED.

MEDIA PLAYERS: GET RID OF THAT WORTHLESS SHIT WINDOWS MEDIA PLAYER. GET VLC OR MEDIA PLAYER CLASSIC, IF YOU GET MPC YOU'LL NEED ASSLOADS OF PLUGINS BUT IF YOU GET IT TO WORK IT WIPES THE FLOOR WITH VLC. FOR MUSIC, ACQUIRE FOOBAR OR WINAMP.

7ZIP > WINRAR
WINRAR > 7ZIP

BROWSER EXTENSIONS:
FIREFOX: NOSCRIPT/YESCRIPT (PICK YOUR POISON) AND GREASEMONKEY/SCRIPTISH ARE MANDATORY. STYLISH, FIREBUG, HTTPS EVERYWHERE AND READ IT LATER ARE RECOMMENDED.
GERGLE FUCKING CHROM: HIGH CONTRAST, SCRIPTNO (SHITSUX) AND REFRESHMONKEY ARE ALL BRETTY COOL.

DON'T USE ADBLOCK EXTENSIONS UNLESS YOU'RE A FUCKING JEW. AT THE VERY LEAST, WHITELIST SITES YOU LIKE AND WANT TO SUPPORT.

OKAY THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT, YOU NOW HAVE A COMPUTER THAT CAN DO SHIT. NEXT TIME: HOW TO MAKE AN MLGGGG PC