okay so i've got a copy of "scientology news" right here

in case you're wondering how i got this my mom took a CoS course on something by book and now they send us newsletters and apparently this too

and usually we just throw the stuff away but i've never seen this before and i'm kind of wondering what the fuck is in this (besides a DVD that they included because apparently there's some important technobullshit going on in scientology right now: something about "the experience of spiritual freedom," and "universe of scientology")

the front cover is some thing about "maiden voyage 25th anniversary!!!!!" and has the magnificent subtitle of "casting off to planetary clearing" whatever the hell that's even supposed to mean

Looks like you've got a billion year newsletter subscription coming.

i think we've always had a fucking subscription i just didn't know about it until now

also i'm pretty sure they send this stuff to us because they want us to join the party but my mother's opinion is that they're "loopy" and that "it verges on a cult" and i'm of course from the era of anonymoose campaigning against them (and i read up on ED's project chanology page back when i browsed ED) so not a hope in hell

page five first article first actual page of content and i'm greeted with a wall of fucking purple prose, scientology baby talk and self-aggrandizingly long titles that rival idi amin's

"Twenty-four hours after send-off, passengers joined Chairman of the Board Religious Technology Center, [loser], in the Starlight Cabaret for Opening Night"

"All began with a sweeping overview of accomplishment in our Whole New World (capitalization of non-proper nouns makes things important, you guys!) -- and the very flash point of that world at Flag (???), where the Golden Age of Tech Phase II was released at the midpoint of the year. What followed is the OT saga from the Freewinds herself, as she achieves her mission of a safe environment wherein whole populations move to the top of the Bridge."

like oh god seriously

My aunt was a scientologist!